Due to historical events, enhanced knee monitoring protocols are now in effect.
Studies have shown that 100% of Mickey's July 4th knee dislocations occurred on July 4, 2023.
Coincidence?
We don't think so.
For one day only, enroll in our Annual Fourth of July Knee Monitoring Program.
"Because one dislocation is enough."
Features include:
"10/10. Wish I'd had this in 2023."
— Mickey (probably)
Q: Why is this service only offered on July 4?
A: We have data suggesting this is the only day Mickey requires specialized knee surveillance.
Q: Is this service medically endorsed?
A: Absolutely not.
Q: Can I enroll someone else?
A: No. Mickey has cornered the market on this particular risk profile.
Freedom is great, but walking tomorrow is better.
Knee Protection Services™ is a wholly owned subsidiary of Liz World Wide LLC established after a statistically significant event involving one (1) knee, three (3) concerned friends, and approximately five (5+) hours spent in an emergency department. No knees were permanently harmed in the making of this tradition, we think? Results not guaranteed. Side effects may include annual reminders, and unsolicited walking advice.
Official Safety Record
| Date | Incident | Status |
|---|---|---|
| July 4, 2023 | Unauthorized knee departure from its assigned location | Resolved ✔ |
| July 4, 2024 | Knee remained in compliance | Success ✔ |
| July 4, 2025 | No incidents reported | Success ✔ |
| July 4, 2026 | Monitoring in progress... | 🟡 Active |
Days Since Last Incident
1095